Merry Christmas & The Queen

Merry Christmas to you all.

Everybody is supposed to be merry - humbug.

People, who are happy being alone the rest of the year, are made to feel anti-social or an outcast if they are by themselves on Christmas day.

While others are forced to smile and look happy in the company of relatives they detested.

So much for the Christmas spirit.

Had to get up at 6.60 am to put the goose in the oven. Hope it’s worth it. My wife made me buy a goose, I wanted to get one from St. James’s Park, there are enough Canada geese there - they wouldn’t miss one. Trouble is, they all belong to the Queen. How come, as soon as a wild goose lands in a Royal Park it becomes the Queen’s property? She also owns all the swans in England.

Last summer we were walking through St James’s Park, when we saw an old woman feeding the ducks, swans and geese. She was giving a running commentary, in an East European accent.

"The bloody Queen, she sit in her bloody palace, she no feed the bloody ducks."

Actually she didn’t say bloody, but “vludy”.

"The vludy Queen, she sit in her vludy palace, she no feed the vludy ducks. Me a vludy pensioner have to go to vludy Tesco Supermarket to buy vludy bread to feed the vludy Queen’s vludy ducks, while she sit in her vludy palace. Me with my vludy bad feet, have to walk all the vludy way here, and she no vludy come. She no care if the vludy ducks vludy starve."


I explained to her how kind the Queen was to let her walk in the Queen’s Park. Not only that but she even lets people use her toilet. Westminster Council charge 50p to use the toilets. The Queen lets people use her toilets for free. Yes free. You can sit on a Royal toilet for free. Not only that she keeps them so clean. She must have to get up very early everyday to clean them.

I can just picture Her Royal Majesty, 6 o’clock in the morning, scarf tied round her head, bucket in one hand, mop in the other, her dogs yapping at her feet, scurrying across from Buckingham Palace to St James’s Park to clean the toilets. Then back to the Palace, exchange the scarf for a Crown, make tea, toast and boil an egg for Prince Phillip. Then after all that, she has to start ruling the country.

Christmas day, she has to cook for all the family - heard Princes Ann doesn’t lift a figure to help. After lunch, when she should be putting her feet up, she has to get on her bicycle to ride to the BBC studios to give her annual address to the nation. Then cycle back to the palace, wash the pots, pans and dishes after lunch, (you would think that while she was away, the rest of the family would wash the dishes, but no), then make the tea. They tell me she makes a beautiful victoria sponge cake. But her mince pies are only average.

I tell you, she does a wonderful job. And I’ll tell her so the next time I see her at the supermarket. She normally shops on Tuesdays, while Prince Philip goes to the pub to play cribbage and darts.