Horny Goat Weed, lingerie and handcuffs - a dangerous combination.

The wife had been sleeping with a smirk on her face since yesterday morning, when she had insisted we visited the bedroom - she had seen I had bought Horny Goat Weed pills.

This morning I decided to wake her. Shook her shoulder and whispered in her ear, “wake up Old Girl”. I don’t know if she was having a dream, everything happened so quickly, next thing I knew I was in handcuffs and she was marching me to the Police Station.

I didn’t even know that she had kept the handcuffs.

Ah those were the days when we were young and foolish, me dressing up as a Policeman with handcuffs and truncheon. The wife dressed as a nurse, oh those black stockings and suspenders.

The youngsters of today think they are alluring with their bare midriffs, but they pale into insignificants compared to the bare flesh above black stockings and suspenders. (Wait a moment while I let my hand stop shaking).

Lingerie. Years ago there were corsetieres. I remember my Aunty Gertrude and Annabel going to get measured for corsets. Now they were a fine sample of British Engineering, the corsets not my Aunts, though come to think of it they were - less said the better.

In the Good Old Days when we had heavy engineering industry we could build impressive “made to measure corsets“. Did you know the design of the Firth of Forth Railway Bridge is based on the design of the corset?

I was only a small boy at the time, so my Aunts thought nothing about walking around in their corsets and bloomers. Ah those pink silk bloomers with their legs clamped firmly with elastic 2 inches above the knee.

Feminists claim female liberation became possible with the availability of the birth control pill. I think elasticised bloomers going out of fashion made an equal contribution. Wearing those bloomers, it’s a miracle that I ever had cousins.

Now where was I? Handcuffed in the Police Station. My wife wanted me to be charged with an offence against the new Ageist Discrimination Act, for calling her “Old Girl“.

Have you heard, you are in breach of the Act if you send a birthday card to your work colleague? How stupid is that?

Well fortunately for me the Desk Sergeant couldn’t understand a word my wife was saying.

In the rush to get me to the Police Station she had forgotten to put her false teeth in. She keeps them in a glass at the side of the bed. The number of nights I have had nightmares after looking at the glass and its contents.

I recon Peter Benchley had the inspiration to write Jaws after seeing his wife’s false teeth.

Well the Desk Sergeant managed to pacify my wife and asked me to take her home.

Slipped a couple of Valium in her tea, so she should have a good nights sleep.

I think I’ll go out for a walk before she wakes up. No way am I going to wake her up.