Saturday, 2 December 2006

In the beginning

I use to wonder why old people were grumpy. Why didn’t they make the most of their remaining years and have fun, smile and just enjoy life?
Then I retired. I do not know when it happened, (probably while I was asleep) but I must have had a brain transplant, for suddenly I had a dramatic change of attitude. Grumpiness was not only perfectly normal but highly desirable.

I have a theory; everyone has a daily quota of nervous energy which must be used up. This is normally dissipated when working, but on retiring you have to find new channels. Recognising this, I now grump with gusto. However, it must be recognised it can be embarrassing for those accompanying grumpys‘. Formerly on leaving the house my wife used to wish me “have a good day”, now its “promise, please don’t quarrel with anyone”.

My current targets (though to have full pleasure from grumping you must be flexible) are:

Not so much badly behaved children, but their parents. For *#**### sake, not only can’t they control their brats, but they stand there with a look of pride on their face, as their children wreck havoc. You see them in super markets allowing their children to open biscuit packets take a couple, and then put the pack back on the shelf.

Spitting. When I was a child, if I spat, I would not only be told off by my parents, but in their absence strangers. In the past ten years, spitting has appeared to become acceptable. I was in an underground train when I saw this slouching man gob onto the wall of the train, absolutely vile behaviour. You would think with the increase number of TB cases, the government would run an anti-spiting campaign.

Sorry, I have to break off my list - I can feel my blood pressure rising. But before I do I must extol the benefits of farting.

Sometimes it’s unwise to verbally express your grumpiness. i.e. if the parent of the unruly child is a 6ft 6” tattooed owner of a Rockwiler dog. Then how do you dissipate your anger and frustration? The answer is simple. You express all your feelings in a fart.

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