Saturday, 21 April 2007

YesBut I only want to go for a walk.

I truly detest tourists. I am easily pleased; all I want is to go for a walk unimpeded. But tourists are totally oblivious of other people and their surroundings. They stand as a group, blocking pavements or walkways with gormless smile on their face waiting for their photograph to be taken. While another member of their family stands looking at the camera as if it’s a piece of advanced technology that has just dropped from outer space - “It isn’t working you dumbo because you’ve left the lens cap on“. While this is happening, they expect people to walk around them, and not interfere with the photo-shoot.

Then there are their football shirted snot-nosed ice-cream eating brats. Well ice-cream eating is a misnomer. The ice cream they don’t manage to rub on their faces they dab on passers-by’s clothes. And if it isn’t ice cream its grease dripping ketchup saturated hotdogs bought from a East-European illegal immigrant who hasn’t washed his hands since immerging at Dover from underneath of a truck transporting Polish frozen turkey giblets. One bite of the sausage and instant diarrhoea.

They are merely a nuisance while they are standing still, when they move they become positively dangerous. They absentmindedly push their pram not looking where they are going. If a year ago they hadn’t thrust their appendage so decisively, they wouldn’t be encumbered with a pushchair now.

Why can’t they be contented and stay at home - take a chair out to the garden, have a barbecue get drunk on cheap vodka, and allow their kids to play football with a tin can while eating Pot Noodle.

Go home and leave me alone.


B.T.Bear Esq. said...

"football shirted snot-nosed ice-cream eating brats. " HAAAAAAHahahahahahahaaaaa!!!!!!!!

Where Granny lives, on Isle of Sheppey, the usual population is 33,000. This doubles in the summer, due to visitors, lots of them living in chalets along the coast. They push and shove through the town, stretch right past your face in shops to take something from the shelf in front of YOU, let doors close in your face. They are so rude rude rude rude.

I snuggle right down in Mummy's handbag and stay hidden. And she zips it up over me so I don't get bear-napped.

Safer home in my garden.....

But I don't like people to have barbecues. Too smelly. We have to jump up and shut all the doors and windows to keep the pong of lighter-fluid out of the house. Not funny when it's hot.


YesBut said...

Bear-napped. Do you remember that woman who took the soft toys left in memory of Princess Diana?

Last week I had to stop children collecting flowers in the park, their mother was watching them with a look of joy on her face - look at my clever twinky- winkies. “Take control of your brats you stupid woman”.

globalchameleon said...

Sounds like tourists on both sides of the Atlantic are quite similar! (April usually marks the beginning of the invasion here in Washington, DC)