I truly detest tourists. I am easily pleased; all I want is to go for a walk unimpeded. But tourists are totally oblivious of other people and their surroundings. They stand as a group, blocking pavements or walkways with gormless smile on their face waiting for their photograph to be taken. While another member of their family stands looking at the camera as if it’s a piece of advanced technology that has just dropped from outer space - “It isn’t working you dumbo because you’ve left the lens cap on“. While this is happening, they expect people to walk around them, and not interfere with the photo-shoot.Then there are their football shirted snot-nosed ice-cream eating brats. Well ice-cream eating is a misnomer. The ice cream they don’t manage to rub on their faces they dab on passers-by’s clothes. And if it isn’t ice cream its grease dripping ketchup saturated hotdogs bought from a East-European illegal immigrant who hasn’t washed his hands since immerging at Dover from underneath of a truck transporting Polish frozen turkey giblets. One bite of the sausage and instant diarrhoea.
They are merely a nuisance while they are standing still, when they move they become positively dangerous. They absentmindedly push their pram not looking where they are going. If a year ago they hadn’t thrust their appendage so decisively, they wouldn’t be encumbered with a pushchair now.
Why can’t they be contented and stay at home - take a chair out to the garden, have a barbecue get drunk on cheap vodka, and allow their kids to play football with a tin can while eating Pot Noodle.
Go home and leave me alone.
