Monday, 5 March 2007

Cold porridge, smoking and your chance to be famous.

I didn’t have time yesterday to write a blog. Only time to write two pieces for submission to NewsBiscuit:

Police investigate links between the Cash for Peerages scandal and Norfolk turkey cull.


Virgin Media NewsBiscuit Deal

If you want to read them, the link is given below. But first, let’s get back to yesterday, I went out early, dressed for a nice spring day. Unfortunately it soon became a cold wet winter’s day. I got home late afternoon freezing cold, fingers numb and teeth chattering.

To warm up I drank a steaming cup of Lemmon & Ginger tea, while soaking my feet in a bowl of hot porridge - a practice not to be undertaken by the uninitiated. The secret is keep your feet moving; stay still for 4.67 seconds and the porridge solidifies; then there is no alternative but to seek the assistance of the Fire Service to free you, using thermal lances. Would you believe it, some people actually eat porridge - that would stop anyone from farting.

Traditionally the Scots would make enough porridge to last the winter, pouring it into a draw for storage. They would then slice out a daily ration. No wonder they always look constipated.

Talking about looking miserable, last week I passed these two specimens of humanity. Each locked into their private world, taking a nicotine fix. I’m so glad I gave up smoking twenty years ago. But if I was a smoker, I don’t think I would join in the practice of huddling outside the office door dragging on a fag, (for American readers, no not that - fag is the English colloquial name for cigarette). I would either go to work in an office where smoking is permitted - though from April the law requires all work areas to be designated non smoking. Or I would envelope my body in nicotine patches. It’s obscene and undignified to huddle in corners taking a quick drag. A cigarette should be smoked, (if at all), while drinking a cup of coffee, talking to friends after a good meal.

I have an excuse, for starting smoking fifty years ago, the relationship between smoking and cancer was unknown, (or if known kept quiet by the cigarette manufactures). Why do, particularly, young girls smoke? Are they that stupid that they think it looks “cool”? Perhaps we are witnessing evolution in practice, the stupid are culling themselves, leaving the intelligent to inherit the Earth.

People say, YesBut you’re a Grumpy Old Fart, who are you to accuse others of being miserable?

Bookmark this blog and NewsBiscuit Click her to read, remember to give high ratings only to pieces written by YesBut.

After you have given them a high rating, come back here and enter your name on the list on the left; and I promise I will mention you in my next submission to NewsBiscuit. Just imagine the resulting fame: requests for personal appearances, rubbing shoulders with ‘B’ list celebrities, asked to appear on Celebrity Big Brother. Fame and fortune is within your grasp.

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