They are at it again!

The press and ITV News are at it again. This is the headline of today’s News of the World.

So Friday night Prince Harry was in Boujis nightclub with Natalie Pinkham (who ever she might be).

Early Saturday morning he left via the backdoor only to be confronted by a pack of paparazzi. Harry lost his temper, so what, big deal. Now if one of them had stuck his camera in my face, I would have shoved his telephoto lens where the sun doesn’t shine.

In a few months time Harry will be deployed with his regiment to Iraq. This week we saw the news conference given by the United Nations Secretary General being disrupted by a mortar bomb. There is no safe place to hide in Iraq. Harry could be coming home in a flag draped coffin. He doesn’t have to go - as third inline to the Throne he could have been given a safe desk job in Whitehall. But he demanded to go with his men.

In tonight’s ITV News, after reporting the nightclub incident, the question was posed “Is he fit to lead a troop of soldiers in Iraq?” Now at this point I must refrain from writing what I would like to write and apply some self-control - but take it for granted expletives have been deleted. ITV News you pompous farting dollop of dung, get off your high pseudo moral high horse, and cut the boy some space.

Is ITV fit to provide a news service to the Nation? YesBut who can blame me for being grumpy and farting.

Sod's Law

March has felt more like May. Last Sunday people in swimming suits were sunbathing on Hampstead Heath. Mind, only the English would think 16°C was a heat wave.

But since mid February its been great to walk through the parks. The flowers have been out a month earlier than last year. People have been pursuing outdoor activities. The couple on the right were not contented with a mere sand castle. And it brought such joy to passers by. By the following day the River Thames had reclaimed its own and there was no indication the dragon had ever existed.

But all good things come to an end; the weather forecast from tomorrow is winds coming down from the Artic, resulting plummeting temperature and snow. Great we can play snow balls. Now you might detect YesBut isn’t his normal Grumpy and Farting self. True its an exercise in positive thinking. Though I don’t think its going to last long - in fact I know it isn’t going to last. Yesterday afternoon, the hot water/ central heating system sprung a leak.

A clear case of Sod’s Law: the weather has been abnormally warm for nearly two months, and when the temperature drops the central heating system breaks down. And no it cannot be a simple easy to repair leak, it’s not only under a concrete floor but also under a wall. It’s going to take two days, of pneumatic tools hammering at the floor and wall before they can even get to the pipe. We’ve been warned that we will be without heating and hot water till Thursday - something has got to go wrong, so I’m not anticipating we will be back to normal next week.

If I haven’t died of hypothermia by Wednesday, YesBut will be in a very bad mood, which might not be a bad thing - all that indignation is bound to generate internal heat.

Greenpeace demonstrate against Trident renewal.

This afternoon, at enormous expense, YesBut sent Grumpy & Farting’s ace photographer with his box camera to London to photograph the demonstration at the Houses of Parliament.


Three Greenpeace demonstrators have taken up residence on the boom of a crane used by the project to repair Westminster Bridge. They are demonstrating against tomorrow’s debate to renew the Trident missile system.

The banner reads “Tony loves WMD”

Becoming brain dead

A five month old baby comes to stay, and your whole life is changed.

Five month old children have a very limited repertoire they: eat, shit, puke, cry and laugh. All very simple, but that laugh is so powerful. More affective than any argument a great orator can produce. And the smile can melt hearts.

I now appreciate why parents and grandparents become brain dead in the presence of their offspring. A child runs around being disruptive, and the mother has a look of joy on her face:

“Look at my wonderful child, isn’t he so clever and funny, never been a child like him before, absolutely perfect”, “Why are people so intolerant? My child is doing no harm, he’s just shouting, screaming and running around, that’s what children do.”

Taking my granddaughter for a walk in her pram, I caught my self thinking,

“Look at her, isn’t she perfect? Look at her smiling at you".

My whole ethos as a grumpy old fart is challenged, I find myself mutating into a doting grandparent. There is only one known antidote; I have to get myself to a supermarket to scowl at young mothers and their pesky kids.

But lets be fair, unlike al those brats, my granddaughter is so perfect, even when she puked over the carpet it was a joy to watch.

Retribution

Following on from yesterday’s blog. More about the Tesco’s Rich Chocolate Fudge Yule Log. Boy am I in trouble! The wife caught me trying to get rid of what's left by feeding it to her dog. Accused me of poisoning her darling Poppet. I pleaded with her that it was too sweet to eat. She said I should pour natural yogurt over it to make it sour. The woman must really hate me, what a concoction - don’t try it, its absolutely vile. But what am I to do, I’m not allowed to throw what’s left away? Is it my Karma?

I’ve already had my say, about the TV programmes shown this Christmas. But I must have my final grump. Logic would have it, the more TV channels there are, greater the choice, the higher the chance of getting a programme I want to see. But it doesn’t work that way. The more channels there are, the more frustrated I get in not finding a single programme I want to see. But, ####, fart, to turn the knife in the wound - the more channels there are, the higher the chance, when there is a good programme on I want to see, there will be good programmes on at least four other channels. Two good programmes - watch one record the other - but four good programmes, bloody frustration. Also, also, when there is a choice, with the channel selector in hand I spend time switching between channels - the result I never see one complete programme. Is this some form of punishment?

Talking about punishment, I overheard two women talking. One said she was glad there hadn’t been any big disaster this Christmas - there always seems to be planes crashing, boats or ferries sinking and two years ago there was the Tsunami. The other said “Thank God”. What did she mean?

What did she think - is God a cantankerous Grumpy Old Fart who vents his spleen by raining havoc down on the human race?

“Got a bloody hangover. What can I do? I know I’ll punish the human race. Heads it’s a Natural disaster, tails it’s a plane crash”.

This isn’t a fanciful idea; even the law recognises “Acts of God”. Something happens, your house gets damaged, you claim on your insurance policy - sorry you’re not covered for damage caused by “Acts of God”.

The idea of God is ingrained deep in our psyche. Even atheists in times of stress will exclaim, “oh God“, or “please God”. Totally irrational but that’s how it is.

Did God have such a lousy Christmas that He is venting His anger by making me eat the rest of the Tesco’s Rich Chocolate Fudge Yule Log?