Christmas - the morning after

Christmas finished for another year. Today, thousands are saying “Well that’s it for another year”, “Was it worth it?”.

I knew I should have got a goose from St James’s Park. The one we bought from Iceland was - how can I describe it - stuffing packed in goose flavoured skin. Don’t ask if the meat was tasty. Never found any on my plate!! All I can tell you is there were gallons of fat at the bottom of the baking tin. They should be called Canada Grease rather than Canada Geese. I’ll have to make a note to ask Jack next door for a veggie recipe for next year.

The biggest disappointment was TESCO’s finest Rich Chocolate Fudge Yule Log, coco flavoured chewing gum fermented in extra sweet molasses. I am not saying it was heavy, but when I put a small slice on my plate, not only did the plate break, but the table leg buckled. Another entry for the “Not to Get Next Year List”. While my wife isn't looking, I’ll have to give what’s left to the dog. Its not that I hate the dog, but if it’s a choice of me or it - it’s a none question.

So the Queen recorded her Annual Address from Southwark Cathedral - I hope the Bishop was sober. It would have been embarrassing to find him throwing the Queen’s toys out of her car.

(Last week, after attending a Christmas party at the Irish Embassy the Bishop of Southwark, was found throwing toys out of the back seat of a car he had broken into. One week latter he still claims he has no recollection of the evening - some party!!!.)

What is it with TV companies. Through a combination of willpower, gritting of teeth and pray people managed to go through yesterday without quarrelling with the kids, telling the Mother-in-law that she is an old witch, or their Daughter-in-law that she is a lousy cook. Then 9pm the TV master plan explodes on the nation. There must have been collaboration between three TV companies because at 9 o’clock there was a choice of:


On BBC1, -"The Vicar of Dibley" - liked by the old folk

ITV1, -"Doc Martin" - perfect family entertainment

Film4, -"Gladiator" - favourite of testosterone super charged males.


Such a clever devious plan, if it had been a choice between only two programmes one could be watched, and the other recoded. But a choice of three programmes, cruel. But even more, notice how the programmes were selected to cause maximum irritation and disagreement between men vs. women, young vs. old.

It would be no good saying, Gladiator can be seen on DVD. Through their action TV programmers ensured thousands of people went to bed disgruntled. And to make it even worse, and to rub salt in the wound, they put absolute rubbish on today. So in thousands of homes the chorus after looking at the TV programme listings is “bloody rubbish, not one, not one bloody decent programme, and last night they put three on the same time, I’m off down the pub”.

As a result of rubbish served up on TV, I decided after months of agonising to switch from dial-up to broadband, so can spend more time on the web. But what happens? I tell you what happens, last night on TV there were adverts for PC World’s Sale. They are selling laptops for £100’s less than I paid a year ago. So what? So what, its put the doubt back in my mind, that as soon as I sign up for Broadband, a new provider will come along offering the same service at a fraction of the cost. Problems, bloody problems. I’m off down the pub.

Merry Christmas & The Queen

Merry Christmas to you all.

Everybody is supposed to be merry - humbug.

People, who are happy being alone the rest of the year, are made to feel anti-social or an outcast if they are by themselves on Christmas day.

While others are forced to smile and look happy in the company of relatives they detested.

So much for the Christmas spirit.

Had to get up at 6.60 am to put the goose in the oven. Hope it’s worth it. My wife made me buy a goose, I wanted to get one from St. James’s Park, there are enough Canada geese there - they wouldn’t miss one. Trouble is, they all belong to the Queen. How come, as soon as a wild goose lands in a Royal Park it becomes the Queen’s property? She also owns all the swans in England.

Last summer we were walking through St James’s Park, when we saw an old woman feeding the ducks, swans and geese. She was giving a running commentary, in an East European accent.

"The bloody Queen, she sit in her bloody palace, she no feed the bloody ducks."

Actually she didn’t say bloody, but “vludy”.

"The vludy Queen, she sit in her vludy palace, she no feed the vludy ducks. Me a vludy pensioner have to go to vludy Tesco Supermarket to buy vludy bread to feed the vludy Queen’s vludy ducks, while she sit in her vludy palace. Me with my vludy bad feet, have to walk all the vludy way here, and she no vludy come. She no care if the vludy ducks vludy starve."


I explained to her how kind the Queen was to let her walk in the Queen’s Park. Not only that but she even lets people use her toilet. Westminster Council charge 50p to use the toilets. The Queen lets people use her toilets for free. Yes free. You can sit on a Royal toilet for free. Not only that she keeps them so clean. She must have to get up very early everyday to clean them.

I can just picture Her Royal Majesty, 6 o’clock in the morning, scarf tied round her head, bucket in one hand, mop in the other, her dogs yapping at her feet, scurrying across from Buckingham Palace to St James’s Park to clean the toilets. Then back to the Palace, exchange the scarf for a Crown, make tea, toast and boil an egg for Prince Phillip. Then after all that, she has to start ruling the country.

Christmas day, she has to cook for all the family - heard Princes Ann doesn’t lift a figure to help. After lunch, when she should be putting her feet up, she has to get on her bicycle to ride to the BBC studios to give her annual address to the nation. Then cycle back to the palace, wash the pots, pans and dishes after lunch, (you would think that while she was away, the rest of the family would wash the dishes, but no), then make the tea. They tell me she makes a beautiful victoria sponge cake. But her mince pies are only average.

I tell you, she does a wonderful job. And I’ll tell her so the next time I see her at the supermarket. She normally shops on Tuesdays, while Prince Philip goes to the pub to play cribbage and darts.